The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter. "Ah", says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT....I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the "F" word, didn't you?"

"Yes", says the man, "but it was only one time."

St. Peter said, "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances."

So the man says, "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf!"

St. Peter said, "Ohhhh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that DOES explain a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."

The man began to explain, "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron..."

St. Peter said, "Ah, and THAT'S when you said the "F" word?"

The man replied, "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path..."

So St. Peter said, "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?"

"Well, no," the man continued, "just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green, where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball..."

A very agitated St. Peter asked, "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?" The man replied, "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."

To which St. Peter screamed, "YOU DIDN'T MISS THE F---ING PUTT, DID YOU??"

I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right.

Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old ball."

Three friends were on the front nine one day and the group ahead of them were playing slow, terrible golf and weren't gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three friends began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them.

Soon the Marshall came about, and was hailed down by them shouting, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!" The Marshall stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, I know they're playing slowly, but those men are both deaf and blind."

The first friend cried, "Oh, I'm so sorry for yelling and for the bad things I was thinking about them."

The second friend cried, "I'm sorry as well. Maybe we can buy them a round of drinks in the clubhouse."

The third friend muttered, "Why can't they play at night?"

There was a golf course that specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a round, the starter asked one golfer, "So, how did the caddie work out?" The man replied, "He was nice enough, but he couldn't see far enough to follow the ball." "I'm sorry," said the starter, "Come back next week and I'll be sure you get a caddie that can see far enough."

The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you see that?" "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?" The caddie replied, "I forget!"

There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.

When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day. She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie.

She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. "You know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!"

Well, the first man ran over and said, "You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5 inches above the cup."

The second man pushed him out of the way and said, "No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10 inches high of the cup."

The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to either of them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme!"

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

The golfer hit his drive into the adjacent water hazard on the first hole. He walked over to look for his ball and saw it about six feet out from the shore in shallow water. He took his ball retriever from his bag, extended it and reached out into the water and got his ball. As he was drying it off, he heard a voice speak to him.

"Hey, mister," the voice said. He looked around and saw no one. He started back to drop his ball along the ball's line of flight as it went into the hazard.

"Hey, mister," the voice said again.

He looked down amongst the weeds and grass growing by the water and saw a frog. This time he was looking at the frog when it said, "Hey, mister."

"Yeah? What do you want, frog?" he asked.

"Mister, I'm really a beautiful princess but a wicked witch has put a spell on me and turned me into an ugly frog. If you will pick me up and kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess. Then you can take me home and we'll make wild passionate love for hours," the frog said.

The man reached down, picked the frog up and put it in his windbreaker pocket. He walked a few yards back down the fairway and dropped his ball preparing for his third shot.

"Hey, mister," the frog called, "aren't you going to kiss me?"

The man took a couple of practice swings with his three-wood and then hit the ball onto the par four green. Walking on towards the green, he said, "No, I'm not going to kiss you. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A guy had been on a deserted island for 10 years when he saw something approaching. Instead of a ship, it was a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. She took off the hood and shook out her long hair. She said to the guy, "How long has it been since you've had a smoke?"

"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a smoke in all that time", he replied. She promptly unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and pulled out a pack of cigarettes for him.

As he enjoyed a smoke, she said, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?" "I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a drink in all that time", he replied.

She then unzipped a pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. While he was enjoying a drink, she started to unzip the front of the wetsuit. While doing so, she asked, "How long has it been since you've played around?"

His eyes bulged as he said, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!!"

After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.

On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."

His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scum bag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob. "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8."

Bob stood over his tee shot on the eighteenth hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, waggle, look down, look up, but would never start his backswing.

Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you ain't got a chance of hitting her from here."

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my crotch and yelled 'Gotcha!'

"Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

Two long time golfers were standing overlooking the river getting ready to hit their shots. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits that one into the pond as well.

This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, " Sandy these balls cost me a lot of money, " to which Sandy replies, "Angus lad, if you can't afford to play the game, you should not be out here ".

Two guys at a convention get totally drunk the night before a big golf match.

During the match the two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a position to win the match if one of them can sink his seven foot putt.

The man sets up to putt with his feet wide apart. He draws his putter back. Just then a big black dog, chasing a squirrel, comes running across the green, the dog goes right between the guy's legs, and out the other side and runs off the green. The guy never flinches but strokes the ball into the hole for the win!

His partner goes wild shouting "I have never seen such total concentration. How you managed to drop that putt with that dog running between your legs ..."

"Oh", says his partner, "Was that a REAL DOG!?!"

THE LAWS OF GOLF

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

4. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum of not at all.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 40 mph. x handicap 15 mph. = downswing 600 mph.

26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.